whew.  What a day.  It started out nice enough as Bunny slept in until 7, then hubby got up with her and I was able to lounge in bed until 8.  I’m really not sure what shifted, but by the time hubby came back from hunting, he was in a totally different mood.  We made a plan to see a feed store a little way up the valley that had fancy chicken coops.  As we made our way out to the car he decided he wasn’t driving,which was fine as it was my car we were taking, but then all hell broke loose.  As I turned on my car, my gas light went on and he went ballistic.  However, as I am the primary driver of my car, I know my car.  And I had at least 60 miles to go before I ran out of gas.  Anyhow, he blew a gasket and went on and on about my financial incompetence, which a whole OTHER story.

Anyhow, since he was seeing red, I said we didn’t have to go, but he got all irritated saying he would have to put gas in my car when he took Bunny for a run later, so we might as well go now.  I calmly explained I didn’t have the money to fill up my tank and that threw him into another tail spin.  We have a different financial um…way of doing things these days.  Suffice it to say, I screwed up BIG TIME when I handled the finances over a YEAR ago and he won’t let go of what happened.  And while I understand that to a point, good God.

Anyhow, his temper was rising as I attempted to back out and he decided I was doing a lousy job so he backed out and still made me drive.  I don’t know if it was to prove some sort of point or what, but I was seriously ready not to go anywhere at all.  We started going up the road and he was laying into me on my lack of financial savvy.  Yes, I admit, I am not the best when it comes to finances,which is also why he handles them.  Anyhow, I started to go to one gas station, which he got pissed at as I would be driving into town.  Um, seriously, town is maybe 2 miles away.  I told him I was going there because they had the cheapest gas.  He made some snide comment and pointed me in the direction of another gas station, which ended up being CLOSED.  Anyhow, we finally made it to a gas station and I pulled in the wrong way, much to his chagrin.

After he put in a few dollars,we were on our way again.  And we literally fought the entire 20 minute drive.  It was horrible.  He is so mean and nasty when we fight.  He even made me cry, something that I never do.  Then he went on saying that his Granny always told him not to trust women who cried.   Oh for the love of God.  When I asked him about the last time he had seen me cry, he had no answer as it has been just THAT long ago.  Anyhow, I was so flustered.  He also brought up divorce. Again.  He thinks that all I care about is money.  And that couldn’t be further from the truth.  I just don’t appreciate being treated like a peasant in my own house.  Many, many things were said, mostly by him.  He fights so nasty.  At one point I told him if it was for Bunny, well, I may not be here anymore.  Yes, I know.  Saying something like that is horrid, but quite honestly, it’s how I feel at times.

Sometimes I would rather be dead that live without her.  But I was not saying that I was going to take an active role in harming myself.  He then went on a tangent on how I need to work the Program more and how I need to talk to my sponsor.  UGH.  For the love of God. Seriously.  Every.Freaking.Time. we argue, he tells me to talk to my sponsor.  Like we can’t just figure things out between the two of us.  Then I again, said maybe I should see a therapist and his response was that I just wanted to spend our health savings account money. Oh.  Right. That’s EXACTLY what I want to do.  Anyhow,things went from bad to worse and he said the most horrid things.  By the time we got to the feed store, he was trying to smooth things over, asking if we were friends again.  He just expected me to forget about everything that had been said.  Thank God for sunglasses.  They hid my tears and I clung to Bunny as we wandered around.

The drive back was more of the same.  Thank GOD she slept both there and back.  I never want her to see us fight, though I know she absorbs everything, no matter how much I try to shield her.  The day just had a bad feel to it and nothing seemed to help.  Hubby finally took Bunny out for a long run and I lost it.  Crying like I’ve never cried before.  I was sad for me, sad for Bunny, sad for my marriage.  I had no idea what to do.  Then I continued to stay on the cross and throw myself a rather large pity party.  I felt like I had no one to call, no one to turn to.  I had no idea what I had done to get me into this situation.  I know I have a part in things, I really do.  Yes, I fucked up our finances a year ago.  And yes, Hubby has been phenomenal about getting things back on track.  But good God.  When will I ever catch a break?  I am so, so over tough love.  I just want something nice and easy.  I am so envious of relationships that seem to flow and be generally in love.  I want that more than anything.  Oh, I know everyone has squabbles and disagrees from time to time.  But I don’t know anyone who has them to the level that we do and that scares me.  Bunny is the most precious thing in the world to me.  I want her to grow up in a loving, healthy home.  Hubby says I always play the victim, and I just don’t know what I am being a victim about.  I guess I need to do more soul-searching.  You know, with all that extra time that I have.