Tag Archive: apparently i’m in a mood


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ugh.  i woke up SO cranky today.  I just hate that.  I had the most bizarre dream, so that may be the reason.  That and the never ending crappy weather.  It’s the end of May and we STILL have rain.  It SUCKS.  And we had to cancel our weekend getaway plans for Memorial Day weekend, too.  le sigh.  We WERE going to head up to the Sierras where Hubby’s family has a cabin, but there is way too much snow.  So much, in fact, that the front door of the cabin is still under snow.  And the spicket to turn on the water is under tons of snow, so there’s that, too.  So needless to say, we’re not going.  sigh.  But, we will take a day trip or two instead, so that will be good.  Maybe the sun will come out by then.

My FB stalker seems to have simmered down a bit, but perhaps that because I haven’t been posting as much.  And I try to stay off of chat, since she is ALWAYS on it, but that’s the only way I get to chat with some of my other friends.  Oh well.  I know, things could be worse, right?!  Like right now she *thinks* she might be pregnant, but doesn’t want to take a test just yet.  Then she spouts off some lame medical jargon, or what she *thinks* is medical jargon because she was a chiropractor years ago and like, I’m some lame person who doesn’t know things.  UGH.  Also, when I asked her why she thinks she might be pregnant, she went to this whole diatribe about her IUD, like I don’t know what those are.  ANYHOW…

Bunny is now in a naked phase, which would be okay if it wasn’t so freaking cold.  I seriously have to turn the heater on because she will not wear clothes.  And potty training?  sigh.  She has had a few more accidents and well, hasn’t gone on the potty yet.  BUT today when I told her — and showed her the goods — that she would get chocolate if she pee’d or poo’d in the potty, she got excited.  Still nothing yet, but that’s okay…right?!

Have I mentioned that this weather is driving me bat shit crazy?  UGH.  I am SO OVER it.  I’m going on a girls only rafting trip in a couple of weeks and it BETTER be nice then.  It’s going to be all Dallas Fort Worth.  Oh, that’s right, my darling white bear, DFW.  oot oot!

Bunny took a super long nap today, which allowed ME to take a super long nap as well.  Then she played in her room for an hour~!  I finally went and got her 4 hours later!  whoot.  I just missed her.  We ran errands in the rain, which was actually pretty fun.  She was a little maniac since she hasn’t really been outside in a while because of the crappy weather. Have I mentioned how sucky it has been?!

Finally, tonight I decided to go to a women’s meeting.  I normally abhor going, but I figured it’d give it yet another chance.  The speaker was a gal who normally bugs the crap out of me, and well, she still does.  But other than her, it was okay.  I even picked up a new  sponcee.  So, we’ll see how that goes.  She’s supposed to call me tomorrow and we’ll go from there.  I also went to dinner with some gals from the meeting.  It was um..interesting.  One gal has been getting on my nerves recently, but the other two were good.  The one gal called me a snob because I don’t like koa campgrounds.  Geesh.  Just because I don’t like tent camping at a campground that caters to motor homes does not mean I’m a camping snob.  But I suppose I could be called a snob for worse reasons.

yesterday was just plain awful.

whew.  What a day.  It started out nice enough as Bunny slept in until 7, then hubby got up with her and I was able to lounge in bed until 8.  I’m really not sure what shifted, but by the time hubby came back from hunting, he was in a totally different mood.  We made a plan to see a feed store a little way up the valley that had fancy chicken coops.  As we made our way out to the car he decided he wasn’t driving,which was fine as it was my car we were taking, but then all hell broke loose.  As I turned on my car, my gas light went on and he went ballistic.  However, as I am the primary driver of my car, I know my car.  And I had at least 60 miles to go before I ran out of gas.  Anyhow, he blew a gasket and went on and on about my financial incompetence, which a whole OTHER story.

Anyhow, since he was seeing red, I said we didn’t have to go, but he got all irritated saying he would have to put gas in my car when he took Bunny for a run later, so we might as well go now.  I calmly explained I didn’t have the money to fill up my tank and that threw him into another tail spin.  We have a different financial um…way of doing things these days.  Suffice it to say, I screwed up BIG TIME when I handled the finances over a YEAR ago and he won’t let go of what happened.  And while I understand that to a point, good God.

Anyhow, his temper was rising as I attempted to back out and he decided I was doing a lousy job so he backed out and still made me drive.  I don’t know if it was to prove some sort of point or what, but I was seriously ready not to go anywhere at all.  We started going up the road and he was laying into me on my lack of financial savvy.  Yes, I admit, I am not the best when it comes to finances,which is also why he handles them.  Anyhow, I started to go to one gas station, which he got pissed at as I would be driving into town.  Um, seriously, town is maybe 2 miles away.  I told him I was going there because they had the cheapest gas.  He made some snide comment and pointed me in the direction of another gas station, which ended up being CLOSED.  Anyhow, we finally made it to a gas station and I pulled in the wrong way, much to his chagrin.

After he put in a few dollars,we were on our way again.  And we literally fought the entire 20 minute drive.  It was horrible.  He is so mean and nasty when we fight.  He even made me cry, something that I never do.  Then he went on saying that his Granny always told him not to trust women who cried.   Oh for the love of God.  When I asked him about the last time he had seen me cry, he had no answer as it has been just THAT long ago.  Anyhow, I was so flustered.  He also brought up divorce. Again.  He thinks that all I care about is money.  And that couldn’t be further from the truth.  I just don’t appreciate being treated like a peasant in my own house.  Many, many things were said, mostly by him.  He fights so nasty.  At one point I told him if it was for Bunny, well, I may not be here anymore.  Yes, I know.  Saying something like that is horrid, but quite honestly, it’s how I feel at times.

Sometimes I would rather be dead that live without her.  But I was not saying that I was going to take an active role in harming myself.  He then went on a tangent on how I need to work the Program more and how I need to talk to my sponsor.  UGH.  For the love of God. Seriously.  Every.Freaking.Time. we argue, he tells me to talk to my sponsor.  Like we can’t just figure things out between the two of us.  Then I again, said maybe I should see a therapist and his response was that I just wanted to spend our health savings account money. Oh.  Right. That’s EXACTLY what I want to do.  Anyhow,things went from bad to worse and he said the most horrid things.  By the time we got to the feed store, he was trying to smooth things over, asking if we were friends again.  He just expected me to forget about everything that had been said.  Thank God for sunglasses.  They hid my tears and I clung to Bunny as we wandered around.

The drive back was more of the same.  Thank GOD she slept both there and back.  I never want her to see us fight, though I know she absorbs everything, no matter how much I try to shield her.  The day just had a bad feel to it and nothing seemed to help.  Hubby finally took Bunny out for a long run and I lost it.  Crying like I’ve never cried before.  I was sad for me, sad for Bunny, sad for my marriage.  I had no idea what to do.  Then I continued to stay on the cross and throw myself a rather large pity party.  I felt like I had no one to call, no one to turn to.  I had no idea what I had done to get me into this situation.  I know I have a part in things, I really do.  Yes, I fucked up our finances a year ago.  And yes, Hubby has been phenomenal about getting things back on track.  But good God.  When will I ever catch a break?  I am so, so over tough love.  I just want something nice and easy.  I am so envious of relationships that seem to flow and be generally in love.  I want that more than anything.  Oh, I know everyone has squabbles and disagrees from time to time.  But I don’t know anyone who has them to the level that we do and that scares me.  Bunny is the most precious thing in the world to me.  I want her to grow up in a loving, healthy home.  Hubby says I always play the victim, and I just don’t know what I am being a victim about.  I guess I need to do more soul-searching.  You know, with all that extra time that I have.

you want some of me?!

To the woman who babysat last night:

For the love of God.  PLEASE STOP JUDGING ME.  I know that when you came over,  Bunny didn’t have shoes on.  She rarely does when we’re outside.  It is OK.  She is either on the grass or the driveway.  Her feet are fine.  OF COURSE I put shoes on her when we actually leave.  Like when we go to the park.  Or the store.  Or pretty much anywhere else.  She is FINE, and so are her feet.  In fact, most of the time she will remove her shoes and become barefoot on her own.  And yes, Bunny was sans pants and diaper.  We are in the middle of potty training and I had just cleaned up a mess when you arrived.  She is 20  months old and I highly doubt she will offend someone if they saw her naked bum.  There really was no need for you to give me a nasty look when I told you as much.  And when I told you, you didn’t have to partake in the potty training and that you could keep the diaper on her, you didn’t have to be so snippy saying of course you would have nothing to do with potty training.  Geesh, lady.  I already let you off the hook.  You didn’t have to be rude about it.  Oh wait.  That’s all you know how to do.  Then, when you asked about dinner and I showed you what I had for Bunny, you didn’t have to give me a hard time because there wasn’t any protein.  She doesn’t have to have protein for every flipping meal.  Just be thankful I didn’t ask you to give her a bath.  Also, when we got home, you didn’t need to point out that you did my dishes and folded my laundry because my house was a mess.  Also, you didn’t have to make it clear that Bunny had kept her shoes and her pants and her diaper on for you.  Of course she did.  YOU are not ME.  She will act differently for you. But of course, you will never realize that.  OH!  And when you told me that Bunny didn’t eat much for dinner but you refused to give her any of her snacks she was asking for, I wanted so smack you.  Just because she didn’t want her pasta but would eat her crackers, you should have given her the crackers! At least she would have had something!!

To the man who cussed at me today:

I don’t know who pissed in your Wheaties this morning, but it was absolutely unnecessary and completely rude to tell me that I am a fucking asshole.  I have no idea what provoked you to say that.  I was driving UNDER the speed limit and was fully aware that I was approaching the cross walk where you were walking with your dog — unleashed, no less.  Yes, I rolled down my window because I could not believe you yelled at me.  I was no where NEAR the cross walk when you were in it.  When I asked you what you had said and you told me that I was “a fucking asshole ” because I  “was driving like one” I nearly lost it.  I had no response.  I was so flabbergasted.  When I turned to my friend, who was with me at the time, I was met with a look of sheer surprise.  Her mouth was open and her eyes were wide.  I asked if I was, in fact, driving like a fucking asshole and the consensus was that I was not.  So, fuck you mister.

To my husband:

Just because Bunny throws fits at the end of the day does not mean that I overstimulate her.  I also do not need your advice that I ‘learn how to parent’.  Also, potty training is HARD.  Do not belittle my efforts.  It is not easy.  You choose to run away whenever poop is even mentioned.  Like today.  You were going to take Bunny with you on your run this afternoon, but since she was having a tantrum, you opted to go without her and blame me for her actions.  Nice.  Real nice, buddy.  I already feel shitty enough about my efforts with her.

To the person who suddenly thinks we are raising chickens for her:

Um, sorry, but no, no we are not.  Do not think that because you have offered to split the cost of another coop with us that we will suddenly jump at the chance.  I am not raising ANYTHING for you.  Thank GOD hubby said no.  But holy hell.  The audacity of some people.  Yes, we had thought about getting a few more chickens, but really, having 3 chickens is more than enough for us.  And just because WE have chickens doesn’t mean anyone else will get to reap the benefits of it, unless of course, I say so.  So back off.  I really hope you do not think that we will be giving you a weekly allotment of eggs or anything once they start laying eggs, either.  Sure, you can have some from time to time, but not if you expect them and not every week, that’s for DARN sure.