Category: thoughts


gettin over the hump

so we had our second therapy session last night.  i was on the verge of tears a few times, which i know our therapist noticed, but i doubt hubby did.  but i didn’t do them to get a reaction from either of them.  more was said and i do feel better.  i had a sitter for bunny and had asked her to stay long enough for hubby and me to go to dinner afterward.  he seemed a bit irritated when i said no to the take and bake pizza place and insisted on a regular restaurant.  but he surprised me but suggesting a place we hadn’t gone in forever — once with cloth napkins and tablecloths.  it was such a treat.  anyhow, he said he wasn’t too big on the session as he didn’t have much he could ‘take away’.  he’s entirely too black and white.  sigh.  but i pointed out a few things and i think that helped a bit.  but, he did say he would keep going since i was so into it.  mini steps.  that’s all i ask.

he then laid into me on how i need to get over my mother  and his mother.  i know i do.  it’s just too damn hard.  they are such difficult women.  ugh.  and when we got home, there was a note from his mother saying she wanted to get a carseat this week and take bunny on a playdate next weekend.  um…i’m not so sure about that.  first, she has not been with bunny for more than, oh, 3 hours, and it has either been at our house or hers.  she acutally suggested the beach, an hour away.  right away i told hubby no.  he said he didn’t care either way, but wanted to know my reasoning.  so, i said, it’s a long, dangerous windy road and i’m not comfortable with ANYONE taking bunny that far away from me yet.  if they want to take her somewhere in town, fine.  but no leaving town.  besides, they struggle getting her strapped into her stroller, so how in the hell will they be able to figure out a carseat AND a stroller an hour away?  AND what if something happens?  yeah.  bad idea all around.  thankfully he said he would support my decision.  She is only 2, after all.

and speaking of being 2, i toured another preschool yesterday and fell in LOVE with it.  i can’t believe it.  and hubby agreed.  we’re going to start sending her in february, which frightens me, but i know it will be so good for her.  she could start now, but I am not ready for that.  ha.  so we will wait until she is 2 1/2.  it’s going to be quite the adjustment for me as it will be 4 days a week!!  at first i was very leery, but after touring the school, i just KNEW it would be the right fit for bunny and that she will just absolutely thrive there.

and i’ve decided to start writing again.  yes, i know, i’ve said that before.  but i’m doing more than just journaling here.  i want to write prose again.  i am even tempted to sign up for some writing workshops.  eeee!

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a new begining.

so, yes.  it has been forever and a day that i have written.  life has been so um…upside down.  i don’t even know where to begin.  i finally hit my breaking point with hubby and threatened to leave if we didn’t seek therapy.  so, we’re going to therapy.  we’ve only been once so far and we go again tomorrow.  i’m at the end of my rope.  all i want is to feel loved AND appreciated.  daily.  it is not too much to ask for.  things have been no less than gnarly for a long time.  we’ve been fighting more and it’s just been so damn uncomfortable to be home.  he resents me for being a stay at home mom and not making money.  he doesn’t see the benefit of me staying home, regardless of the fact that we can totally afford for me to stay home AND still manage to put money in savings.  he thinks i don’t discipline bunny and let her run the show.  i could go on and on, but i would just get more sad.  he has no clue what i do all day and thinks i just sit around and watch tv.  he has no clue.  none.  he can’t see how incredibly bright she is.  she is such an amazing little person and i KNOW it has a lot to do with me being home with her.

and don’t even get me started on his family, namely his mother.  i CANNOT stand the woman.  she has always been mean and judgmental, but she is even worse now that bunny is here.  she is just down right nasty to me.  and she doesn’t listen to a word i say.  i am so over her ever babysitting again.  and though she rarely has time for us or bunny, those few times she is around is no less than nightmarish.  and what’s worse, is that hubby and mil feed off of each other, so it’s a total loss for me, each and every time.

it’s just hard, feeling like i am the only one who genuinely has bunny’s best interest at heart.  i just wish i had someone to talk to.  someone maternal.  someone who has been there.  i am not close with my mother, and even worse of with my mil.  i have friends, thankfully, but sometimes i just feel so lost.  hubby always says i care too much what people think, that i just want people to like me.  and that’s true to a point.  i DO care what people think, but not to an unhealthy level.  i just want to make sure i am doing right by bunny.  and OF COURSE i care if people like me.  but if people don’t like me because of WHO I AM, then that’s a different story.  then i don’t don’t need to be THEIR friend.  i don’t try to be someone’s friend just to have a friend — i don’t have time for that.  but i do care what my real friends think about me, as i’m sure they care what i think about them.  that’s what being a friend is all about.  it’s that whole ‘it takes a friend to be a friend’ thing.  if you’re not kind to others, how do you expect them to be kind to you?

now hubby is on this kick where i need to find a job because he thinks i HATE staying home with bunny, which he could not be more WRONG about.  but i DO need a break every now and then.  anyhow, he has decided that i need to be a bookkeeper.  um..really?  like numbers and i get along?  uh huh.  he has this whole thing that if i get in a jam, he can always help me since he’s a corporate accountant and all.  right.  shouldn’t i do something that i am passionate about?  so i am going to start writing here again and see if i can find some sort of writing/editing job.  you know, do something i am PASSIONATE about.  because life is not all about black and white, which is how hubby thinks.  i think in shades of gray.  sure, i can take on a bookkeeping job, but if i’m spending what little time i have on something, it needs to be something i LIKE.