Category: sobriety.

on my mind.

I’ve had a lot on my mind these days and while I have had some wonderful friends who have let me vent to them, I have to write it down as well.  Normally, I’m a pretty mellow person.  Sure, I have some upswings of craziness and some downswings of the deep depths of misery, but I’m usually pretty level.  Anyhow, I have recently been shaken to my core.  There is a gal who I have befriended in the program.  She has always been a bit off to me, but I just chalked that up to the adage that some are sicker than others.  Anyhow, a few weeks ago I poured my heart out to her at dinner about my woes with hubby.  We recently had gotten in quite a row and I needed to get some things off my chest.  I had gone to a woman’s meeting and then out to dinner with this gal.  Anyhow, over the course of dinner, she was nothing but negative and started spewing all of this crap to me, including how I should seriously consider divorce.  Now, mind you, I had never mentioned divorce to her.  Also, she is in the process of divorce herself, so of course it is fresh in her mind.  That being said, I do not believe divorce is the go-to for me.  AT.ALL.  Marriage, like any relationship, takes WORK.  Anyhow, I totally disregarded her comments on divorce as that is not an option for me right now.  Anyhow, she went on further saying crap and I left the dinner with a heavy heart about my friendship with her.  Fast forward a few weeks and we went to the meeting then dinner afterward again.  This time two other gals went with us.  It was a nice dinner, save for the fact that the gal called me a snob because I do not like KOA camp grounds.  Whatever.  So be it.  I’m a snob in that regard.  I have been pretty much avoiding her at all costs since.  However, I ended up going to the meeting again this past Tuesday.  Okay, I went on purpose.  I had heard that SHE was going to be the speaker that night.  I had known her for roughly 2 years and had never heard her total story and I was more than intrigued.  GOOD GOD HOLY HELL.  I wanted to flee like a wet rat pretty much as soon as she started speaking.  To say it was horrible was an understatement.  Normally people who share stick to a basic structure : what it was like , what happened, and what it is like now.  Basically, experience, strength and hope.  That being said, she just gave a drunkalog.  That’s it.  It was so bad.  AND.  the worst?  Well during one of our dinners she kept on saying what a great mother she was while she was drinking.  I was baffled at the time, as if you are a drunk, in my eyes at least, there is NO WAY you can be a good mother.  You just can’t.  No matter how much deluding yourself you are doing, you can’t.  Anyhow, she added examples of how she was with her infant daughter when she was drinking.  I wanted to get up and leave.  I was so filled with emotion that she thought/thinks she was great to her daughter.  It freaking killed me.  Most women who share have said they were horrible mothers, that their drinking came first and so on.  This gal said the same, but thinks that behavior is okay.  Her whole share was a mess.  It was more that she had told me how great she was and her share contradicted EVERYTHING.  Like she had totally lied to me.  Or is completly delusional.  It has just bothered me so much.  Also?  I feel so awful for her daughter, stuck in the middle of all of this.  This gal is so selfish and sick.  I am staying as far away as I can.  But I feel so used and abused.  Like, I had poured my heart out to her and now she has all of this information on me.  Sure, she can’t really use any of it, but still.  That’s not the point.  It just makes me feel shitty.

Then, I have been getting some stellar parenting advice as of late.  The latest?  Last night a girlfriend was asking me how potty training was going.  I said it’s slow going and I’m not really pushing the issue.  She asked if Bunny was still going on the floor.  I said every once in a while.  My friend said I need to get a fly swatter and smack Bunny with it whenever she goes on the floor.  You know, as a tough love approach.  WTF?!  I AM NOT SMACKING MY KID WITH A FLY SWATTER.  Yes, I understand it won’t hurt.  But good LORD.  I don’t want to freak her out about potty training, either.  She’s only 21 months.  She WILL get it.  Oh, and the kicker?  My friend’s 2 1/2 year old isn’t potty trained either.  What the hell is wrong with people?!


stick with the winners.

Last night I went to dinner and a meeting with a girlfriend to celebrate her 2 years of sobriety.  She and I have been friends since she came into the program.  Well, sort of since then. Her sponsor is a gal who I have always respected and admired so when she introduced me to G, I thought we would hit it off.  And we did, to a point.  I have always had trouble relating to the women in the program where I live.  It’s just an odd group of women.  And really, I have tried.  A LOT.  But there are  no very few women who are actually fully functioning members of society.  And by fully functioning, I merely mean not sitting on their ass all day complaining about life and not doing a damn thing about it.  Oh, and perhaps holding down a job or raising a family.  You know, basic things in life.  The women up here are annoyingly sadly pathetic.  And they turn every freaking meeting into an al-anon meeting, which is lame.  So often I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up and go to the god damn al anon meeting already, but I restrain myself.  barely.

ANYHOW, last night I went to dinner for my friend and along with her sponsor, she had invited a few other gals in the program as well.  As I was one of the first to show up – even though I was 20 minutes late – I was happy to see normal people in attendance. That was before the bat shit crazy others arrived.  To say my patience was tested is a huge understatement.  I was literally watching the clock the whole time and MY GOD did it move slow.  For some reason, women in the program here feel that they need to be brutally honest about every thing to the point to annoyance and rudeness.  Because, you know, being honest is the way to be, but not when you make people feel like shit.  Like the one gal, who looked at me and said “you know, you are a real miracle, shell.  When I first saw you at that Monday meeting, I took one look at you and knew you weren’t going to last 30 seconds.”  well, fuck you, too.  You don’t even KNOW me.  How dare you judge me.  And for the record, even though I was a mess when I first came in, all outward appearances said the opposite to those who did not know me.  And since I rarely shared at meetings, no one would know what was going on unless they took the time to talk to me, which this lady DID NOT. The dinner proceeded to go downhill from there.  And when the bill came, holy crap batman.  These grown women acted like teenagers trying to figure out the bill.  I hate that.  Just pay your amount, add a bit more for tax and tip, throw in a few extra bucks for those who don’t have enough and be done with it.  At least my food was delicious.

The meeting was fine and since it was a birthday meeting, everyone stuck to the format and it ran nice and smoothly.  And while I did sit with my friend and the others, I was able to ignore them.  But that was probably because the lady I was sitting next to smelled like old lady.  ugh.  Seriously.  What is that smell that old people have?  I know you know what I’m talking about, too.  It’s like a combo of mothballs and bad breath.  eww.  I just wish the meetings here were like the meetings in other cities I’ve been to.  Like in LA.  Those meetings are awesome.  Guess it’s time to find some new ones to try out.  Maybe my attitude will improve.  Just maybe.  heh.