Category: honest 30


Oh. Finally an easy one.  BUNNY.  bunny made my life worth living.  Even in my darkest days she will always bring me out.  And thankfully, ever since having her, I really don’t have dark days anymore.  Sure there are days that I am blah and dark and yucky, but really, those pass pretty quickly.  And I never want to be without her.  Even on the rough I-could-strangle-my-two-year-old kind of days, I still adore her like I have never adored another human being ever.  She is my light.  And my love.  And just the warm fuzzy feeling of life.

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bury my child.  enough said.

Well, to be honest, and as a few of you probably know or at least have surmised, I would like at some point to be published.  I mean really published, in a real magazine or publication.  Not just on some random internet site (which I’ve done) and not in some local newsletter (which I have also done) but in something really recognized.  It doesn’t have to be national, though that would be great, but just something with a readership of more than, say 100.

I know this means I would actually have to SUBMIT something, but all in good time.  I have begun writing again, so I’m hoping that will at least lead me in the right direction.  I love to edit and am a self proclaimed grammar nazi.  Now, I never said I could spell, so please don’t hold THAT against me.  Anyhow, that is most definitely something I hope to do in my life.

This is hard.  Sure, I have resentments, but nothing that is so overpowering that I cannot sleep.  Or that bothers me so immensely.

I guess I could say I forgive my mother for being a bitter old German woman.  I forgive her for the way she treats me, the way she talks to me and the way she always stares at me in disapproval.  But I know that deep down, she loves me and wants what is best for me.  I guess I could say I forgive my MIL for being a cow and so nasty, mean and selfish all the time.  I guess I could forgive my previous sponsor for being so belittling and condescending and making me feel small.

But I don’t really know if that stuff warrants forgiveness per say, or if those are just things I need to get over and get past.

No one has done anything terribly wrong to me.  I mean, sure, my heart was torn out and stomped on my a college boyfriend, but I don’t need to forgive him for that.  With time, I eventually got over it.  I’ve never really stopped talking to anyone because of a fight, more because we grew apart.   But that’s not something that needs forgiveness.

So I guess I’m just stumped on this one.  Perhaps more will be revealed later.

I have seriously been thinking about this all day.  I really don’t know WHAT I need to forgive myself for that hasn’t really molded me into who I am today.  I mean, I am hard on myself, I sometimes don’t think I’m a good mom (but I know THAT’S not true), I have low self esteem…my list can go on.  I am a recovering alcoholic, I have broken hearts, I speak my mind.  I have done unsavory things while drunk.  I have cheated.  I have lied.  I have been snarky and over emotional.  But really, there is nothing I can think of that I need to forgive myself for.  I have a lot of character defects, but they have made me who I am today and I really don’t know that I would change anything.  I am constantly evolving and growing and for that I am forever grateful.

hmmm.  Finding something I love about myself seems a bit harder than something I hate.  But, right now I guess I would say I love how thoughtful I am.  Geesh.  That sounds mighty snotty of me, but I don’t mean it that way.  I love thinking of other people.  I love doing nice, unexpected things for other people.  Unexpected things mean the most to me, so I try to do them for other people all the time.  Like when I see a little something that would make a friend happy, I get it for them and send it off.  Or I send a happy message, or if we’re out for coffee, I pick up the tab, even if I can’t really afford to.  And I don’t expect favors in return.  It just makes me happy to make other people happy.  It helps keep the negativity at bay.

Gee, just ONE thing?  sigh.  I guess the biggest thing I hate about my self is my constant insecurity about being liked.  I really don’t know why that is, but it bothers me all the time.  I know I have friends and people who do like me, but I’m so damn insecure about it.  I’ve always been so envious about people who have true best friends and true loving families and have wanted both so bad.  Sometimes I think I try TOO hard for people to like me, then I think, if they don’t like me, then I don’t need ’em.  I mean, I don’t go out of my way and do anything silly, like stalk people or anything, but I do get my panties all in a bunch if people don’t respond back to me or call me in a reasonable amount of time.  Thank the jesus baby that I have grown up enough to not pester them, though.  It’s hard, but I just wait for them to contact me.  Then I make up all kinds of lame stuff in my head about WHY they haven’t gotten back to me, as if THEIR lives aren’t important or if THEY aren’t busy.  ugh.  I just hate that I am so insecure.  I know I’m a good person and a good friend.  I guess I just need more positive reinforcement and unfortunately, the family I have both married and regular are not the positive, loving kind.  I just need to be strong and grateful for myself, I guess.

i have stolen this idea from a friend on facebook.  every day for the past 30 days she has written on a predetermined topic and i have really enjoyed reading her responses.  so, i have decided to follow suit.  i am going to do my best to write here every day.  here is the list, if you’re interested in getting a sneak peak of what is to come.

Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 — Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 — Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 — Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 — Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 — A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 — A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 — Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 — A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 — Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 — What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 — Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 — (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 — Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 — Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 — Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 — The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 — What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 — What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself