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So below is an email I got today from a family member.  I have changed names and places as not to give away any more than necessary.  But holy christ.  :

 

I am really earning my Grandma Badge this year…
>
> As most of you know, I came directly from xx to xxx for
> Thanksgiving.
>
> X’s Father had a triple by-pass last week and were unable to watch
> baby when X returned to work. She could not put this off as
> she would lose soooo many benefits, because she pushed her off time to
> the limit.
>
> They put baby in the same pre-school care as his sister. He did great,
> but he came down with a nasty cold and has not been feeling well all
> week. I was hoping I could have left xx in time to cover that shift,
> but it was not to be.
>
> This coupled with the preparation of Thanksgiving dinner at their house,
> (of which her Mother is usually able to help with, but couldn’t this
> year because of the Father’s surgery) and lack of sleep for X, made
> her have a melt down. She went to the doctor and they gave her “happy”
> pills. She is doing much better now.
>
> X showed me all the recipes and they were easy to follow and tasted
> delicious. XX did the Turkey, and X’s brother and sister-in-law
> made some of the dishes as well. We sat down right on time to a
> delicious dinner and had so much to be Thankful for🙂
>
> On Friday, with my urging, they took baby to the doctor as he was now
> running a fever. The results came back this morning that it is
> pneumonia. Since we caught it early, it a mild case and they are
> treating it with only antibiotics.
>
> The stresses:
>
> Her Dad’s surgery
> No Mom to baby sit and they have NEVER left him with anyone else
> baby being sick (now pneumonia)
> No sleep
> Having her mother-in-law stay with them (that would be me)
> Thanksgiving dinner for her family (mom, dad, brother and wife and ME of
> course)
> And there are still two more coming up. XX has to travel to Phoenix
> for work in less than two weeks for a couple of days. She has to get
> both kids out the door by 7:00 and to day care. She cannot be late to
> her classroom, so it is weighing on her as well.
> Then her Dad is due for another surgery on his Carotid Artery.
>
> After that things should be better.
>
> I will be home on Dec. 1.
>
> Hope you all had a wonderful Turkey Day.

 

I would DIE if my mother in law sent out an email like this to everyone.  Hell, I would die if ANYONE sent out an email like this about me. I mean, yes, the person who the email is in reference to is a nut and I have secretly been waiting for her to crack, but  holy hell.  It’s no ones business that it happened.  And seriously, the stuff she has to deal with is nothing.  Sure, I am judging, but I know this person and she is wound tighter that my hubby, and that is saying A LOT.  It was only a matter of time before she lost it.  BUT STILL.  I’m just so saddened by the email and that the person who sent it is so flipping insensitive.  damn relatives.

blah.

i don’t even know where to begin.  i reactivated my fb account, though i’m still on the fence about it.  i am not engaging the the chat option, as i only really want to talk to a small handful of people and it’s normally the people who i DON’T want to talk to who are online at any given time.  i’m also not really commenting on things anymore or on friend’s walls.  i don’t know why, but i’m just not feeling it so much anymore.  i am really surprised by the amount of people who contacted me when i deactivated, asking me to come back.  i just feel like i am popular on facebook, but just notsomuch in my real life.  i mean, i won’t post what is really going on, as it’s just TOO out there for the world to see, but i don’t feel that i have people to talk to in my daily life about the stuff that i NEED to talk about.  sigh.

like, today, bunny has been in an inconsolable mood.  we had to cancel a trip to the zoo and stay home for much of the day as she was a force to be reckoned with.  she took a nap and had the WORST tantrum i have ever seen when she woke up.  she was even fiercely pulling at her hair.  i had no idea what to do.  i tried holding her, ignoring her, loving her…everything and nothing worked.  i finally walked outside to get the mail and she calmed down.  but it was after about 20 minutes of serious tantrum throwing.

but the day even started out rough.  before 8:30, i had already had 2 cups of FULL coffee spilled; one on the floor and an end table in the living room and the other in bunny’s room.  then there was a huge poo disaster which resulted in a pair of panties — no, not mine — being throw out and bunny being put in a long bubble bath.

then there are all my daily things to tend to.  no, my life is not hard, per say, just today is difficult and i wish there was someone i could just call and vent to.  someone who would listen and wouldn’t judge or tell me what to do.  just someone to be kind and understanding.  even if i am wrong.

also, it’s sort of weird how many people just lurk on fb.  yes, i admit, i lurk, but i used to comment all the time so people knew i was lurking.  sure, pictures are nice, but gee, would it be that hard for you to say something sometime?!  sigh.

i need something cold to drink.

Oh. Finally an easy one.  BUNNY.  bunny made my life worth living.  Even in my darkest days she will always bring me out.  And thankfully, ever since having her, I really don’t have dark days anymore.  Sure there are days that I am blah and dark and yucky, but really, those pass pretty quickly.  And I never want to be without her.  Even on the rough I-could-strangle-my-two-year-old kind of days, I still adore her like I have never adored another human being ever.  She is my light.  And my love.  And just the warm fuzzy feeling of life.

So yesterday after surprisingly little deliberation, I deleted — or deactivated — my Facebook account.  I had been spending way too much time with that Dallas Fort Worth (Dirty Filthy Whore).  I spend hours on it.  Daily.  It was sick.  I think I was just craving social interaction, but I would leave feeling cranky and disjointed more times than not.  Sure, it was great to connect with people, but honestly, the people who I talk to on a daily/weekly/monthly basis are more important to me than the random friends on FB.  Sure, I know each and every person on my friends list, but it’s just not the same as real interaction.  I mean, I honestly have to say I really don’t care how many times someone has worked out or what they made for dinner.  Thankfully I had very little drama but I was just over it.  It just felt like I was too out there.  I mean, I had posted about changes being on the horizon and that hubby got a new job.  Well, a girl that I know told her husband, who then called hubby to congratulate him on the job.  It was just a little too much.  I mean, I know I had posted about it, but it really hit home just how many people have access to stuff.  Sure, I know all of them, but well, I guess since people just lurk, you never know who takes in what information and who will use it.  Sure, most of what I post is rather innocuous, but well, it’s just best for me to stay off for a while.

Plus, it was getting to the point where Bunny would say ‘no more puter, mama’ and that was just no good.  I mean, seriously.  She had to tell me to get off?  That’s just bad.  Clearly, I need to interact with her more.  So, I sent an email out to my friends saying I was no longer on FB.  I got mostly positive responses.  It was nice that someone said I shouldn’t stop since my posts are rather funny, but I do need to at least take a break for a while.  Though one person, a former sponsor, said “we are very addictive people.  it’s all about balance, which takes practice.”  um really?  Gee.  Thanks for the support.  And another friend berated me for letting hubby seemingly dictate what I did, which wasn’t the case at all.  He only asked that I take down the post regarding his job, not delete my account.  But whatever.  I’m glad to be off for now.  Even if I still am twitching a little.

I also changed my yahoo chat ID, which started one of my friends.  I had created the previous id about 7 years ago, before I got married and it was a rather silly name, so I decided it was time for a change.  I guess I am just getting a jumpstart on the upcoming year and starting my changes now.  Nothing is forever, so who knows when I will be back on FB.  But for now, it’s just best that I am off.

bury my child.  enough said.

Well, to be honest, and as a few of you probably know or at least have surmised, I would like at some point to be published.  I mean really published, in a real magazine or publication.  Not just on some random internet site (which I’ve done) and not in some local newsletter (which I have also done) but in something really recognized.  It doesn’t have to be national, though that would be great, but just something with a readership of more than, say 100.

I know this means I would actually have to SUBMIT something, but all in good time.  I have begun writing again, so I’m hoping that will at least lead me in the right direction.  I love to edit and am a self proclaimed grammar nazi.  Now, I never said I could spell, so please don’t hold THAT against me.  Anyhow, that is most definitely something I hope to do in my life.

This is hard.  Sure, I have resentments, but nothing that is so overpowering that I cannot sleep.  Or that bothers me so immensely.

I guess I could say I forgive my mother for being a bitter old German woman.  I forgive her for the way she treats me, the way she talks to me and the way she always stares at me in disapproval.  But I know that deep down, she loves me and wants what is best for me.  I guess I could say I forgive my MIL for being a cow and so nasty, mean and selfish all the time.  I guess I could forgive my previous sponsor for being so belittling and condescending and making me feel small.

But I don’t really know if that stuff warrants forgiveness per say, or if those are just things I need to get over and get past.

No one has done anything terribly wrong to me.  I mean, sure, my heart was torn out and stomped on my a college boyfriend, but I don’t need to forgive him for that.  With time, I eventually got over it.  I’ve never really stopped talking to anyone because of a fight, more because we grew apart.   But that’s not something that needs forgiveness.

So I guess I’m just stumped on this one.  Perhaps more will be revealed later.

omfg. stfu. you.are.an asshat.

gaaa.  i want to scream, but bunny is asleep.  and my head kinda hurts.  so i will vent here.

so there is this gal that i cannot stand on fb.  you may ask why she is my friend, and i honestly have no idea.  i mean, i went to hs with her and knew her sister who was HORRIBLE and for some reason, i friended her.  anyhow, she in nothing but constantly negative and NASTY.  i had enough yesterday and ‘hid’ her so i won’t have to see her posting anymore.  however, i guess i am a glutton for punishment as i just checked out her wall for some fodder.  and fodder i found.  she just commented on a link at bergdorf goodman.  she had the gall to correct the fashion GIANT on THEIR post.  they posted about a fabulous resort collection by the fantastic oscar de la renta and she said “i believe that is called resort WEAR”.  um.  no.  no it’s not.  it’s his COLLECTION.  gaaaa.  i  know it shouldn’t bother me, but jesus fucking christ.  sure, it may be resort wear, but it is a COLLECTION of resort wear.  obviously she has never been to a fashion show.  they show their COLLECTIONS there.  sigh.  she just bugs the ever living shit out of me.

okay.  end rant.  for now.

I have seriously been thinking about this all day.  I really don’t know WHAT I need to forgive myself for that hasn’t really molded me into who I am today.  I mean, I am hard on myself, I sometimes don’t think I’m a good mom (but I know THAT’S not true), I have low self esteem…my list can go on.  I am a recovering alcoholic, I have broken hearts, I speak my mind.  I have done unsavory things while drunk.  I have cheated.  I have lied.  I have been snarky and over emotional.  But really, there is nothing I can think of that I need to forgive myself for.  I have a lot of character defects, but they have made me who I am today and I really don’t know that I would change anything.  I am constantly evolving and growing and for that I am forever grateful.

hmmm.  Finding something I love about myself seems a bit harder than something I hate.  But, right now I guess I would say I love how thoughtful I am.  Geesh.  That sounds mighty snotty of me, but I don’t mean it that way.  I love thinking of other people.  I love doing nice, unexpected things for other people.  Unexpected things mean the most to me, so I try to do them for other people all the time.  Like when I see a little something that would make a friend happy, I get it for them and send it off.  Or I send a happy message, or if we’re out for coffee, I pick up the tab, even if I can’t really afford to.  And I don’t expect favors in return.  It just makes me happy to make other people happy.  It helps keep the negativity at bay.